Pain

I have endured many forms of pain in my life from events that are beautifully, painfully, incredible to physically damaging pain. Not all pain is bad. When I think back to when I was in Jr High and feeling on top of the world, my biggest pains I felt then was why a boy no longer liked me or my bestfriend was upset we didn’t sit together in class. Now this pain to me today brings a chuckle or two but it was so vivid and real then. I think what is hard when you become an adult is understanding you can have all sorts of pains from physical to mental. The way we address or adapt to these pains are how we can further our souls. I have been afraid to feel pain. I honestly believe I was/still am never allowing myself to accept pain. It’s terrifying.

When I think about physical pain, I know it will eventually pass or become less. Mental…. pain… is more of a fear which will continue pulsing through out bodies until WE address it. It’s kind of wild when you sit back and compare events that have caused you such pains. Really sit back and try to think of the physical pain again, I can guarantee you, your body and mind have already processed it and you will have no thought of what it was like. For example, I had my son in August, 2019, it is February, 2021 and I couldn’t express accurately the physical pain I felt when he was being born yet if you asked me how I felt the day a huge event happened to my family in February, 2019, I can vividly explain my feelings. That is why pain should always be processed.

To bounce the topic into a lighter level, I truly believe pain can also be so beautiful. It’s hard to imagine pain which we relate to being so awful, dark and dreadful, yet there is such a beauty to it. A light that only comes from pain. Unfortunately an event that best demonstrates this from my personal experiences would only apply to women and that is child birth. It is so painful… and incredible as a beautiful baby enters the world from this experience. Many moms I speak to have had all sorts of experiences but not a single one highlights the pain over birth because we accepted that pain and even more embraced the pain. As much physical and mental pain this experience has on us women, we push through.

The scary part about mental pain is it becomes toxic. Our minds do not know how to hold this pain and when it is left, the anxiety will fester as an alarm clock reminding you it is still there. I found myself at times when I was in my early twenties not understanding how to properly process and therefore my cure was booze. I felt I needed to escape yet there was never a solution just a sore head or more pain added to the history books of Katie’s Life. Thinking back now, I wish I could have just held myself, big warm hug, until I embraced what I was running from. Fast forward to the worst pain of my life, I was halfway through my pregnancy and could not use my old typical coping methods. I had to deal with this pain. How? It seemed like my world was crashing hard and the walls were closing in. What saved me was this “Super Baby” who I pulled my strength from. Seems weird to say considering this baby was still developing within me BUT I can’t explain how it happened, babe just gave me the power. When he was born, I felt more than just a mother/child bond, we had been through already so much before he opened his eyes to this world. To him, I will always be grateful.