Author Archives: Katie Omilon

That thing.

It’s the evil that lurks in the room with us. What takes and continues to take and yet demands grace, or else. How it evolves, yet still remains there.

I wish my hands could reach out and grab it. Grab it ever so tightly my hands get sore. With a tight grasp and arm almost detaching, I release it.

How I wish I could do that and be rid of the evil that is constant. I wish we had more control.

I’m mad. We didn’t deserve this. A race for time. I thought we had more. That thing that takes and takes. How empty bowls feel full and heavy.

My hearts sad.

How can this thing destroy. We say strongly it won’t yet it is.

I miss being held.

The Shift.

I have not had time to write and create these avenues for myself the past year. Life has been HARD. I could fill pages with my words describing time evolving and remaining still yet here I am trying to find the right words.

I have been living life lately afraid to use my words, living some days in a glass house afraid the walls will burst and I won’t be able to protect all around. The old me would be boiling inside just ready to burst but I don’t feel that urge anymore. It is as if, my words would create an event that I can’t handle. Maybe it is the fact I don’t feel strong enough and truly feel fragile if such events took place right now AND that I cannot let happen (at least not at this present time). Trapped in my body.

The shuffle that has occurred in my life has been a struggle for me to fully accept. Finding it hard to slow my mind down. I am also finding myself apologizing more now than I ever had before. Apologizing for time, apologizing for forgetting and apologizing for apologizing. I am in a race with life. The shuffle. This shuffle that I need to accept. I hate. I want to wake up and life is back to “normal”. I was finding I had no taste for food and simple joys. When I am in the moment I am having to remind myself to let go, and enjoy THIS second. It is hard to constantly say those words to myself. Old times, I would feel free and twirl around to feel the breeze pass through my hair and now I feel rigid, tense and undeserving. Watching a movie a few weeks ago, I found myself CONSTANTLY tensing up as if I was watching a thriller and yet it was a rom-com. I don’t think I understand how to “relax” anymore. Meanwhile this is all taking place, I am trying to be the BEST mom I could possibly be for my kids yet I feel I am failing myself. For constantly being “on”, I find myself crying once I am alone outside the walls of my home… Not great. All my thoughts that I suppress come charging full force. I have never felt unstable internally until now and I need to be on my best A-Game for my family. They need me. So I am trying to convince myself to allow these emotions out when they need too. A few times, I think it was unexpected, and I don’t think received well. Another time I had to explain to Van who is just about 4 years old that sometimes you have really hard days and right now life is hard but that’s okay as I cried. Van later had to tell my mom and his dayhome which out of context would seem extra confusing coming out of his mouth. I do in my core believe that children should see emotions from their parents. My kids, hopefully, won’t be afraid like I was to fully express themselves through all of life’s challenges/endeavors.

Well a SHIFT has occurred and I can honestly say I am breathing better. Being better. I felt like emotionally I hit rock bottom and I desperately needed to figure something out. I had people coming at me from all angles one night and I thought, why? Why now, why me? Am I not allowed to be happy? So I said, that’s it! The words flowed out. Life is hard and there is nothing wrong with that. It can be hard and I am going to allow myself to feel every inch of it. Why do we need to be sheltered from the storm? We don’t. We got this. I have always, always been so grateful and fortunate for all of my support and that truly kept my core moving but I needed to let go and be. Just be. I think I have spent so much of my time protecting those around me and in doing so, pieces of me shed away as I was losing me. The me that would normally always put those around above me yet now, I need me. I need to have myself together… for me and my family. As I voice my emotions, which isn’t familiar to most, I need the patience to do so. I don’t need to worry that my tears will dial 911.

We need to remind ourselves to be kind to our hearts. Life will never be easy and that is okay. This is our journey so let it travel. Let the road take a turn or halt still. I am finding that the more we fight this, we lose. We lose the precious time we are trying to preserve. Don’t hesitate to give someone close a hug as that could be the shift they needed.

The Ugly.

There has been a topic I have been wanting to write about for quite some time. Each time I would think I was ready to start typing, I began to feel fearful of how my words would come out. It was starting to overcome my thoughts more after we found out we were having a daughter. How can I protect her?

I wanted to speak about the darkness that has been around us for centuries and people seem to refuse to open their eyes. By keeping their eyes shut, they don’t have to be part of it, don’t have to stop it. Why do so many people cough up these actions as “that’s what men do”, “boys just don’t know any different” and “it’s just that generation”? I am sorry but it is not okay for actions to be ignored by these pathetic excuses. Men should have never been given any power over women to have a sense that abuse is okay. The fact that we have allowed this to happen for this long is so heart breaking. Men do not get a pass because that is “what they do”. #Metoo movement made waves and I felt for the first time proud to be a woman because FINALLY voices were actually being heard. They were not being overwritten by a man or another woman who felt the scenario wasn’t worth a page to be spoken about. When people sit back and actually ask the question to women in their lives if they have been ever personally affected by sexual abuse, I can guarantee 9/10 women will respond yes. Sexual abuse can range from being harassed walking to the grocery store, being grabbed at a pub and to most extremes which I won’t type. The day women had to double think their outfit or how much they drink to become “vulnerable”, should have been the day people realized there was a huge problem in society. I also understand that there will always be bad people and this life will never be in a perfect utopia but it can be better. We should not have fears of walking down our neighborhood block early mornings or go for an evening run. I have had to stop myself when I think of doing something and question if it is safe… Men don’t question getting gas when the baby goes down to save time in the morning and worry about something happening. Why should I worry? I have to right? Of course. People don’t realize how we have to constantly question actions that men wouldn’t think twice about. We shouldn’t live like this.

Why are people afraid to stand up when they see these things happen? Why do people use these tragedies as ammo against woman? I could write hundreds of questions. One that I will stand by and hope to have figured out in my lifetime, how do we make this world safer? I believe we need to have an awakening soon where those who kept their eyes shut for so long, begin to ask the questions and allow women to speak of their struggle. We push hard now on talking, allowing people to have a space and respect each other. Now people need to not be afraid to ask and listen. In many cases victims would want to feel safe and feel relatable in a sense that someone wants to care for them. People have no idea how ashamed a majority of sexually assaulted women feel. I can personally say I feel shameful of what happened to me and that feeling was a result of my environment. People being angry with me for what happened. How could I wrap my head around healing or feeling any security when all I would feel was hate for MYSELF. How could I have placed myself in that situation? How could I have not screamed or pushed away? I felt powerless and frozen. Each time I felt as if I was entirely paralyzed. Years later when I would feel a sense of comfort to discuss what had happened, I would immediately get shut down… I don’t want to hear this, I can’t hear this. Well for once I think people need to hear it. I am so sick and tired of people ignoring what is happening every day. Women being stalked around town, people using social media and notifying others, is the new age and people need to stand up. This is not a joke what has been happening to women and what will continuing happening to women until others open their eyes and ears. If you hear something, DO something. By not, you have no idea what life long damage has laid upon that woman for the rest of her life. The domino effect will destroy each life that she is connected her. When we stop believing and listening to those women around us, we pretty much have nailed their coffin shut. I have experienced directly and indirectly how history begins exposing itself to you and reminding you of these past experiences which ignites you into becoming entirely resentful of all around. Your bodies protection mode will begin going into overdrive and your relationships with others will start to falter. This is your minds way of not allowing anyone else to hurt you. I find myself becoming angry and mad at times I don’t understand until I take a break. I can’t process situations normally and I end up lashing out or holding all in. My mind goes into flight mode. Now that I have the security blanket I had been dreaming of, I find that I am not allowing myself to feel love at times. The resentment creeps in. I don’t want to feel this fear but I do.

The tough question now that I am trying to figure out is, how can I raise my kids the right way? My son. How can I ensure 1000% that he will never become a man who doesn’t know how to treat human beings. It is beyond gender. I want him to respect life. My daughter. I want to hold her ever so tightly and not let go but I know that is not possible. I have to prepare her with the tools necessary as I do not feel confident times will be different for her. I want to ensure she knows, I will never make her feel ashamed of anything. I can’t stop her from being hurt but I will protect that heart and mind. As I write this out, I have taken breaks to place my hand on my belly. Feel the warmth of my baby growing within. Feel the reminder of the beauty to life. I believe my painful past will ensure I can protect her. I will never allow myself to shy away from what happened and for that I believe I can save her from this kind of pain.

The scars I carry with me would not have been as significant if I had the source of comfort to curl into. My comfort was music. As powerful of a tool music can be, it was not enough. What I needed was someone to hold me and say the words, “I believe you”. It is kind of disturbing to think of simple words having such lasting effects on someone but until you have been in a situation yourself, you won’t understand how precious those words truly are. As I mentioned above, I believe that once people start becoming more aware of what is going on and believing it… will there ever be real change. I say this to men and women, stop ignoring what is happening right in front of you. Don’t walk away. Open yourself up and be aware. You don’t know who you may have protected by standing up. The cycle needs to end where these actions are accepted. Women need not be afraid of the dark and have the security of their community.

Me.

Do you ever feel as if you can’t speak or have lost the words when you are about to bring them to life? I feel this constantly. I find myself being locked in this unusual state of mental isolation as I would like to describe it. I want to ask for help yet I feel by asking, I am giving up and by not asking, I am losing my myself. This battles feels as if I am pulling myself down underwater. Hard to be the only one that feels like this and of course, for me now to bring these words out, makes me feel more vulnerable than ever. When I begin to sit back and reevaluate what it is I want to say and how I would like to say it, I start to feel this anxiety overwhelm my body. The fear of the unknown, the reaction, the conscience that I will face once my words hit those ears… I begin to take the path (in my head) of least resistance which results in keeping it inside. If someone told me this is how these feel, I would immediately tell them to start letting it all out whatever it is and being to allow yourself to feel. Which coincidentally were the words told to me once and I respectfully accepted the challenge. That lasted a few days and I went back into the comfort zone. The strange part is, I actually did feel good getting it out the first day but it then began to feel more routine than natural so I fall back to… me.

I have lived this way for as long as I remember and if I could ask for anything to change it would most certainly be this aspect of my self. How do I get better and not risk potentially damaging my marriage or passing this on to my kids. The fear is real for me to not want this to be normal for them SO how do I evolve for my family? I evolve by knowing I have the power within me to find the tools to speak. I keep reminding myself and those around that we can’t fear what we have no control over. I can’t fear the words that may come back to me. I can’t be scared of what I have no control of. These words I need to continue to repeat in my head and hopefully in time that easy place I would go to would become far in the rearview. I think what makes us stronger is accepting who we are and we knowing CAN evolve. This is me.

Some of the most important days of my life, I was always concerned of everyone else. Concerned of their thoughts, feelings and pains. I never fully allow myself to feel the moment. My wedding for example, I wanted to ensure it was all about us that day and to not have anyone worry about outside stresses like cleaning or costs yet in the end I added more headache. I still have thoughts where I wish things were a certain way and why did I fear that? You certainly can’t go back in time to have a do-over so I need to accept it. It was one of the best days still of my life and in the end I wouldn’t change anything. I just worry to much on things I have no control over. No one else lays these on me so I struggle fighting through the jungle of these memories and thoughts. I have no one else to blame but myself.

There are many others out there who struggle much worse and have no support around. I am very fortunate to have a foundation of support, even if I don’t lean on them, I know they are there. I would love to be able to reach people who need help and be that someone for them. It can be so hard when you feel so alone. This world has become so dark so those who felt alone before the pandemic, feel like they have been pushed in a jar and placed on the shelf. It is so sad. Breaks my heart now when I will hear others comment how they would rather be alone than with anyone… We were not brought on this earth to be alone. That energy being used to stay closed away is going to force people into a place I fear they will never come out of. What will become of society. My fears are so beyond right now that I struggle focusing on what I need to do. I want to better the world.

I will start now. If I can’t release the reigns I allow others to hold, I will use this power to guide those around me to a better place. Use my words and love to help. Try to no longer fear words but use words to my advantage whenever I can. I will bring the light.

Survival Mode

It has been a bit since my last posts were created and have had a tough time finding the motivation again until now. Last night while I had a good but rocky sleep I had the same message every time I would close my eyes which I have to admit has never happened before. I usually would close my eyes to a new world of dreams but last night it was a push to get a message out. It is almost like the need that I want to get these words out of my head.

My message…

The world since Covid struck has slowly but surely become poisoned and most have lost the sense of humanity that kept the grass greener. It is almost like people have turned into their worst selves being in isolation when a small percentage have used this to their advantage to grow. We need to bring a part of ourselves back where we feel the compassion, feel joy from others while embracing this new world we are in. It is very hard to go on social media these days and not be personally affected by a comment said by a complete stranger because there is so much negativity out there. People do not have a filter anymore to sort through this anger, frustration and annoyance they feel. We are ALL going through this yet most have let this darkness (in a sense) take control. I want to remind people of the good and for them to take that time to spread the good. A small positive comment to a stranger or a call/text to a friend will go miles right now and WE need these small actions to remind us all of the good…

Personally, I have been affected by covid in many aspects of my life and I have come to realize that life is too short… I can’t live in fear or remember the pain it has caused without it taking away more of MY time. So I had to go into a survival mode per say where I needed to change the goggles I look through and appreciate the blessings I have. It was hard. I think when it really set in was the loss of my grandma who was not a survivor of covid. She was my angel, the glue and my heart. The pain of losing her was so severe I don’t think I could express accurately. We lost time with her to keep her safe yet I feel partial regret that we should have bended and been selfish knowing how fast time goes. It was hard receiving the news that she had caught covid but as I know my grandma, she is a fighter and strong so I didn’t fear death, yet. I wanted to strongly lay my chips on the recovery rate so I didn’t let the death thought cross my mind as I knew your recovery is much greater unless you end up in the hospital. SO… When a week or so goes by and her body had become weaker, she was then rushed to the hospital and it was the moment I feared was approaching. I had to keep optimistic though for mine and my families sanity that even though she was there, it wasn’t the end. Better to be there than at home without this medical support. Since a few catastrophic events in my life had happened before this, my soul goes into a mode where I will not accept or think of the worst case scenario and I appreciate it as a way of protection. As some may think I am not being sensitive or realistic, I know what it means to survive. As days went on and feeling pretty hopeful as we were receiving updates constantly, I wanted to make a special delivery to her. I knew I couldn’t go see her or hug her or hold her hand but I knew if I could package a little gift that I could put a smile on her face. So I ventured to the store and picked out her favorite candies and chocolates with a picture note to be posted in her room for a pick me up. Since I missed the opportunity to tell her I was expecting my second child, I made sure to add a little detail on my note of this news. The next day I was so honored to have had a call from her. The last time I heard her voice. The last time I could say I love you so very much. The next evening was her last. I am grateful every day since, that I received that call and could hear that voice again. Days to follow, my heart just hurt so bad. I would sit outside and just zone out with moments of zero thought to races of memories and regret. Regret for time. We were robbed this time from her. I have memories of my son with her but not enough that we would have had. Family dinners, holidays together and birthdays, taken away. I really struggled with this. As I went through all these phases, I started to realize I need to shift my mind to help my life and not miss out on more. What probably kick started me was replaying my son, 18 months old, wiping the tears from my face and knowing I needed to be strong for him and this baby inside. It was OKAY for me to not be okay but I needed to start healing. First emotion I needed to address was anger. It had no place in my heart anymore and I needed to start reminding those around me that we can’t be anger at what we have no control over. It is eating the energy we need to use as gas to enjoy our LIFE. Once I was able to work through that, next was happiness. This was an emotion I needed and wanted to tackle immediately and use all my strength. I didn’t want this situation to ruin or destroy my life. Covid was not going to win. Like I mentioned above, social media is again a curse but this time no blessings as it has become so toxic with everyone’s opinions and horrid comments to others. For me to find happiness and also knowing well I wouldn’t stay away from these outlets, I put on a warrior hat and relayed information back. Not to fight or get into arguments but place reminders out there of truths and also leave comments to make people feel good! Which by leaving these happy comments to others, brought a sense of happiness to me. It was in my control to be able to bring light to others. Battling these feelings and figuring out what is important and not when in this survivor mode, you really need to step back. This isn’t normal times. We need to remind ourselves of the blessings that have been created from this darkness. Parents are home with their kids WAY more than they would have been… People have taken up new hobbies because they have the time now… You are not spending hours commuting rather being able to enjoy that cup of coffee. I found when I was able to count these blessing and find new ones, I became to understand and also accept that we can’t control what we don’t have control of.

We will get through this and being in “Survivor Mode” will just be a polished version of ourselves that we can appreciate.

Banana Split – Part 2

After I published ‘Banana Split‘, I started to feel anxious and worried my words would be interpreted wrong. Which made me really think about who I really wanted to reach and how I needed it to be read. After having many conversations in my head, I realized I wanted my words to be heard by those people struggling to stay a float with their kids. It is important to me for people to be happy and understand the importance of being happy. By writing my view as a child growing up in a split family, I was hoping to ease those minds that are stressed worrying about how their kids will be. They will be fine. Underlying question is how will the parent be when all is said and done? You love your child more than anything but the bubble of a perfect home (definition: parents together?), is no longer so how can you make it? You will. Your child will be more than okay when they are raised by love!

Life isn’t easy but we have our paths set out and should dig in to start enjoying it. I feel as if we are always constantly treading water when we are trying to stay in this reality we created. This becomes way to complicated when you are trying be happy as you don’t feel like you are feeling real emotion of being actually happy. We let our minds take the wheel when we should really let our hearts take control for a while.

I am now feeling more complete getting these extra words out, I hope I am understood better to some degree. Being happy is beyond a smile and it is the emotion that flourishes love!

Mirror… Mirror

A huge topic that I would like to bring up and get out there is about “Body image“. It’s something that hits home HARD as well as an issue, per say, I know bothers many. Why are always so consumed of our body and how our body is to be viewed? Why do we care so much? When I try to think back to when I started really caring, I was a young teenager who became so insecure about her thighs… Huge thighs… It is funny to think about because why does it matter the thickness or even thinness of someone’s body parts? I remember I couldn’t stand it. No one really ever made you feel like you needed this insecurity or even helped you overcome this. At the time, it seemed like you were put in this category but really who cares. Why do we need to strive to have this supermodel figure? Does it go back to Barbie’s figure which us girls played with and thought was the normal way to look? Thin long legs, flat abs, perfect chest with these long arms… Do we get our prince charming once we look like this? It’s insane to think about but we honestly grew up watching this “perfect” shape prance around our world from TV to magazines to even our toys. I know personally, my body issues stem from believing this is the way to look. I grew up also constantly hearing body comments from all corners of my life so it is and will also be a challenge. It’s sickening to really think you can be disgusted with your own body part(s). Now I have been seeing way more motivational social media posts trying to help girls AND woman love their bodies. We truly should. It’s hard and I will always work on it but I strongly dislike, not liking myself.

An experience that kind of blew up my world was after having my son. My body, as every mother’s body changed, I couldn’t take it. It brought me into a hard depression that I was so ashamed to speak up. I am holding this newborn in my arms, looking down smiling but then catching a glimpse of this skin surrounding my arms as I sat there. I cried many times over. As there are many blessing of social media, I found this to be my pitfall. Scrolling through on those early mornings, I am looking at these photos of friends or strangers who recently had a baby and look amazing like they never gave birth or were even pregnant… These horrible thoughts raced through my mind and I struggled. Why can’t I look like this? What is wrong with me? My husband would try extremely hard to comfort me but I couldn’t listen as I was staring at this woman who I couldn’t accept was me. Why can’t I be happy, love this new me and appreciate this all? I didn’t want anyone to see my body ever. Felt like a tsunami hit my soul. Having insecurities throughout my life did not compare to this. Until a shift occurred as if the universe was giving me a wake up, I started to adjust and take a step back which did take very long time, I knew it was important. In reality, why did it matter what my body looks like to others or why do I need to look like I never had a baby? I did and my body changed so why did I need to struggle this hard? I am starting to appreciate my body, this body that gave birth, the body that carried me through MY life. I need to take care and love it. This road to “recovery” is far from easy but it is a necessity. We need to do better in all aspects that are in our control. I want to be able to raise my kids without any thought of insecurities (to the best of my ability – of course) so they never think a part of their body is a flaw.

Again growing up for me was TV, magazines and toys, now kids have access to social medial at a young age. I cannot IMAGINE how that plays a part on these poor little minds. We need to do better to halt what is out there to a degree or continue to bring more positivity to posts. Even though there is a very dark hole to social media, there are many extraordinary opportunities. People can connect so much faster, see their interests like photography or travel at the tip of their finger tips AND palm of their hands. I was recently provided a Instagram page of a woman who wants to promote and support the post baby bod and I think this is so incredibly beautiful. There are such great opportunities out there that can overcome these clouds that we create… We just need to see them!

We are all beautiful work in progresses.

Banana Split

This is a Child’s Story from being raised by a split family.

The thought of writing my story came to me abruptly and has coincidently become a challenge getting started. I had the title, idea and obviously the content stored away and ready to use on demand yet to type and get started has been a blockade. I suppose it has to do with the fact I’ve never written down my story just let the thoughts replay as I didn’t want my words to ever be twisted or miscued. It is a side of a story not many people want to ask or talk about unless they are needing advice. A story people assume is unpleasant as the path to a split is 95% uneasy (in most cases) so they can only imagine the kid was “damaged” or “had it rough”. I cannot speak of other cases but I can speak of my own and for that I feel I can make a minor difference helping others out. People may wonder, why tell it? What is the point? We all have a past? I want to tell me story to help kids out and those parents who are having that challenging thought of the kids during this tough period in their lives.

I was very young when my parents made the decision to split which in my opinion probably made the transition a tad easier. When I try to think back to what I can remember, there was never a memory of my parents together. I was too young yet the thought of not having this memory has always stuck with me. Fast forwarding a tad where I can recall thoughts and feelings from my childhood, the fighting would begin. The epic battle of divorced parents. This part was really hard. We have two extremely strong headed parents and also two with bursting hearts of love for their daughters which probably fueled the battles. As the battles went on so did trips to therapists. I never felt like we could ever fully speak as we were always speaking to these open wounds which we in turn ended up being afraid to ever have a voice. We knew our parents meant well and would just always fight for us but the fight for “US” never benefited us. I began silencing myself. It was easier to say nothing and live than cause any waves. When times were calm which were more common we did have the double enjoyment of having TWO rooms… DOUBLE holidays and still two parents that loved us.

In Elementary there were a couple of us who had two sets of parents but majority were from one home. Getting into Jr and High School, it was certainly more rare to be from a split family. All my friends from what I saw, were living this incredible lives with their families in suburbia. I had spouts where I would go through waves of depression as I wanted so badly to have my parents still together in a beautiful family home with our family dog… Neighborhood friends where we all grew up together… This dream consumed me and at the time I always felt so unlucky. I hated I didn’t have this life. Even growing up, my mom’s siblings kids all grew up and most became very close as they were together for all the holidays as well as living in the same quadrant. My sister and I were still on a week to week and holiday to holiday arrangement so in a sad miss, we didn’t have that same time with family. Most our life we had lived in two houses that were always on opposite ends of the city. Always felt like we didn’t belong, oddly enough. Strange to say that as it never should have mattered but as my lonely mind would fester I felt extremely alone. The plus side as I mentioned above is we would have Christmas twice and each parent would try their best to always make us feel special.

What was tough looking back was I was affected very deeply by what I picked up externally. Meaning… I felt my parents pain and heard the anger continuously through my childhood (and adult life) as well as it wasn’t common during my upbringing to know other kids in my same scenario, I always wished for the greener grass. No one talked then about how we are doing or if they had we already had the great wall up.

I never really ever dated. I wanted to ensure 110% I was going to get that life I had always wanted. House, dog, neighborhood, whole works. It was like the universe had to give me that reminder so I can go on and enjoy life. Growing up as I did, I felt like I needed to grow up much faster than I should have. It was like I have always been on fast-forward trying to get through yet I should have enjoyed what I really had. That brings me to meeting my now, husband. I began smelling those roses people talk about and feeling like I could breathe. We eventually bought a house in a beautiful community when I was nearing the end of my pregnancy. Everything was truly becoming real. The life I had always admired was becoming my reality. When I had my son, many emotions, obviously, raced through my body and thoughts about our childhoods and how we would want to raise our son. Many reflections were just becoming reminders to me to enjoy every minute.

The key thing from this journey is there was always love growing up. It may have been rocky at times but I always had two parents who gave all their hearts to us. Most of the time we really had it better than families we saw together. I am not saying one is better as it is each their own situation. But one phrase I hear that really pains me is “we are making it work for the kids…” Absolutely the wrong move. The kid is in a worse situation being raised by parents who don’t belong. They feed off of that plus these parents deserve happiness too. Just because you have a child together doesn’t mean you deserve to suffocate and not live? Do what is best for you which I can say will benefit the child being brought up much happier. If my parents never made the decision and they stayed together, I can bet you all the money in my account, I would not be living this life. As much as I would love to have a memory of my parents happily together, I am SO blessed that made the decision they did. People who are afraid of their kids not making it through, need to realize they will and they will become strong super beings, just always ensure they know how much you love them. Kids are adaptable. We all have some sort of scars from growing up and that is what makes each of us our own.

Pain

I have endured many forms of pain in my life from events that are beautifully, painfully, incredible to physically damaging pain. Not all pain is bad. When I think back to when I was in Jr High and feeling on top of the world, my biggest pains I felt then was why a boy no longer liked me or my bestfriend was upset we didn’t sit together in class. Now this pain to me today brings a chuckle or two but it was so vivid and real then. I think what is hard when you become an adult is understanding you can have all sorts of pains from physical to mental. The way we address or adapt to these pains are how we can further our souls. I have been afraid to feel pain. I honestly believe I was/still am never allowing myself to accept pain. It’s terrifying.

When I think about physical pain, I know it will eventually pass or become less. Mental…. pain… is more of a fear which will continue pulsing through out bodies until WE address it. It’s kind of wild when you sit back and compare events that have caused you such pains. Really sit back and try to think of the physical pain again, I can guarantee you, your body and mind have already processed it and you will have no thought of what it was like. For example, I had my son in August, 2019, it is February, 2021 and I couldn’t express accurately the physical pain I felt when he was being born yet if you asked me how I felt the day a huge event happened to my family in February, 2019, I can vividly explain my feelings. That is why pain should always be processed.

To bounce the topic into a lighter level, I truly believe pain can also be so beautiful. It’s hard to imagine pain which we relate to being so awful, dark and dreadful, yet there is such a beauty to it. A light that only comes from pain. Unfortunately an event that best demonstrates this from my personal experiences would only apply to women and that is child birth. It is so painful… and incredible as a beautiful baby enters the world from this experience. Many moms I speak to have had all sorts of experiences but not a single one highlights the pain over birth because we accepted that pain and even more embraced the pain. As much physical and mental pain this experience has on us women, we push through.

The scary part about mental pain is it becomes toxic. Our minds do not know how to hold this pain and when it is left, the anxiety will fester as an alarm clock reminding you it is still there. I found myself at times when I was in my early twenties not understanding how to properly process and therefore my cure was booze. I felt I needed to escape yet there was never a solution just a sore head or more pain added to the history books of Katie’s Life. Thinking back now, I wish I could have just held myself, big warm hug, until I embraced what I was running from. Fast forward to the worst pain of my life, I was halfway through my pregnancy and could not use my old typical coping methods. I had to deal with this pain. How? It seemed like my world was crashing hard and the walls were closing in. What saved me was this “Super Baby” who I pulled my strength from. Seems weird to say considering this baby was still developing within me BUT I can’t explain how it happened, babe just gave me the power. When he was born, I felt more than just a mother/child bond, we had been through already so much before he opened his eyes to this world. To him, I will always be grateful.

therapy from the fingertips

I always knew deep down that I loved the feeling of letting my imagination pulse through my mind down to my fingertips. From writing a wild story about aliens when I was 10 years old to typing this post at 31. The feeling of pure togetherness. Proud to put out my words, my thoughts, my opinions out to the universe. As most in my life would attest I am not great at verbally communicating so I would begin resorting to a notepad, phone, email or heck screaming conversations in my head. Thinking back, I don’t recall a time when I felt secure to speak my honest mind at that exact moment. Always end up having that screaming conversation of “Why didn’t you say that”… “you had the perfect opportunity”… Deep down I know this will be something I will work through and I am most certainly not alone. By typing out these words and getting this voice out, I will end up helping myself speak. I don’t want to be sitting on my couch in 20+ years cranking at the posts I see on the next new social media outlet. We have to many of those people out there. It is very easy to feel the comfort behind a computer or phone. I find my comfort in positive ways which I don’t feel as guilty for but can certainly see how easy it could be to evolve into THAT.

I am ashamed of what I can’t say out loud. This is something that I do battle with. It seems so easy and can be done with practice yet it seems to be one of the hardest things to navigate through. By letting my fingertips run ramped on my keyboard I begin to feel these tiny releases. Hard to explain. As I strive to make these words take a pitstop before they race down my arms, I know I will get there. BABYSTEPS. This is my therapy.