The Shift.

I have not had time to write and create these avenues for myself the past year. Life has been HARD. I could fill pages with my words describing time evolving and remaining still yet here I am trying to find the right words.

I have been living life lately afraid to use my words, living some days in a glass house afraid the walls will burst and I won’t be able to protect all around. The old me would be boiling inside just ready to burst but I don’t feel that urge anymore. It is as if, my words would create an event that I can’t handle. Maybe it is the fact I don’t feel strong enough and truly feel fragile if such events took place right now AND that I cannot let happen (at least not at this present time). Trapped in my body.

The shuffle that has occurred in my life has been a struggle for me to fully accept. Finding it hard to slow my mind down. I am also finding myself apologizing more now than I ever had before. Apologizing for time, apologizing for forgetting and apologizing for apologizing. I am in a race with life. The shuffle. This shuffle that I need to accept. I hate. I want to wake up and life is back to “normal”. I was finding I had no taste for food and simple joys. When I am in the moment I am having to remind myself to let go, and enjoy THIS second. It is hard to constantly say those words to myself. Old times, I would feel free and twirl around to feel the breeze pass through my hair and now I feel rigid, tense and undeserving. Watching a movie a few weeks ago, I found myself CONSTANTLY tensing up as if I was watching a thriller and yet it was a rom-com. I don’t think I understand how to “relax” anymore. Meanwhile this is all taking place, I am trying to be the BEST mom I could possibly be for my kids yet I feel I am failing myself. For constantly being “on”, I find myself crying once I am alone outside the walls of my home… Not great. All my thoughts that I suppress come charging full force. I have never felt unstable internally until now and I need to be on my best A-Game for my family. They need me. So I am trying to convince myself to allow these emotions out when they need too. A few times, I think it was unexpected, and I don’t think received well. Another time I had to explain to Van who is just about 4 years old that sometimes you have really hard days and right now life is hard but that’s okay as I cried. Van later had to tell my mom and his dayhome which out of context would seem extra confusing coming out of his mouth. I do in my core believe that children should see emotions from their parents. My kids, hopefully, won’t be afraid like I was to fully express themselves through all of life’s challenges/endeavors.

Well a SHIFT has occurred and I can honestly say I am breathing better. Being better. I felt like emotionally I hit rock bottom and I desperately needed to figure something out. I had people coming at me from all angles one night and I thought, why? Why now, why me? Am I not allowed to be happy? So I said, that’s it! The words flowed out. Life is hard and there is nothing wrong with that. It can be hard and I am going to allow myself to feel every inch of it. Why do we need to be sheltered from the storm? We don’t. We got this. I have always, always been so grateful and fortunate for all of my support and that truly kept my core moving but I needed to let go and be. Just be. I think I have spent so much of my time protecting those around me and in doing so, pieces of me shed away as I was losing me. The me that would normally always put those around above me yet now, I need me. I need to have myself together… for me and my family. As I voice my emotions, which isn’t familiar to most, I need the patience to do so. I don’t need to worry that my tears will dial 911.

We need to remind ourselves to be kind to our hearts. Life will never be easy and that is okay. This is our journey so let it travel. Let the road take a turn or halt still. I am finding that the more we fight this, we lose. We lose the precious time we are trying to preserve. Don’t hesitate to give someone close a hug as that could be the shift they needed.