The Ugly.

There has been a topic I have been wanting to write about for quite some time. Each time I would think I was ready to start typing, I began to feel fearful of how my words would come out. It was starting to overcome my thoughts more after we found out we were having a daughter. How can I protect her?

I wanted to speak about the darkness that has been around us for centuries and people seem to refuse to open their eyes. By keeping their eyes shut, they don’t have to be part of it, don’t have to stop it. Why do so many people cough up these actions as “that’s what men do”, “boys just don’t know any different” and “it’s just that generation”? I am sorry but it is not okay for actions to be ignored by these pathetic excuses. Men should have never been given any power over women to have a sense that abuse is okay. The fact that we have allowed this to happen for this long is so heart breaking. Men do not get a pass because that is “what they do”. #Metoo movement made waves and I felt for the first time proud to be a woman because FINALLY voices were actually being heard. They were not being overwritten by a man or another woman who felt the scenario wasn’t worth a page to be spoken about. When people sit back and actually ask the question to women in their lives if they have been ever personally affected by sexual abuse, I can guarantee 9/10 women will respond yes. Sexual abuse can range from being harassed walking to the grocery store, being grabbed at a pub and to most extremes which I won’t type. The day women had to double think their outfit or how much they drink to become “vulnerable”, should have been the day people realized there was a huge problem in society. I also understand that there will always be bad people and this life will never be in a perfect utopia but it can be better. We should not have fears of walking down our neighborhood block early mornings or go for an evening run. I have had to stop myself when I think of doing something and question if it is safe… Men don’t question getting gas when the baby goes down to save time in the morning and worry about something happening. Why should I worry? I have to right? Of course. People don’t realize how we have to constantly question actions that men wouldn’t think twice about. We shouldn’t live like this.

Why are people afraid to stand up when they see these things happen? Why do people use these tragedies as ammo against woman? I could write hundreds of questions. One that I will stand by and hope to have figured out in my lifetime, how do we make this world safer? I believe we need to have an awakening soon where those who kept their eyes shut for so long, begin to ask the questions and allow women to speak of their struggle. We push hard now on talking, allowing people to have a space and respect each other. Now people need to not be afraid to ask and listen. In many cases victims would want to feel safe and feel relatable in a sense that someone wants to care for them. People have no idea how ashamed a majority of sexually assaulted women feel. I can personally say I feel shameful of what happened to me and that feeling was a result of my environment. People being angry with me for what happened. How could I wrap my head around healing or feeling any security when all I would feel was hate for MYSELF. How could I have placed myself in that situation? How could I have not screamed or pushed away? I felt powerless and frozen. Each time I felt as if I was entirely paralyzed. Years later when I would feel a sense of comfort to discuss what had happened, I would immediately get shut down… I don’t want to hear this, I can’t hear this. Well for once I think people need to hear it. I am so sick and tired of people ignoring what is happening every day. Women being stalked around town, people using social media and notifying others, is the new age and people need to stand up. This is not a joke what has been happening to women and what will continuing happening to women until others open their eyes and ears. If you hear something, DO something. By not, you have no idea what life long damage has laid upon that woman for the rest of her life. The domino effect will destroy each life that she is connected her. When we stop believing and listening to those women around us, we pretty much have nailed their coffin shut. I have experienced directly and indirectly how history begins exposing itself to you and reminding you of these past experiences which ignites you into becoming entirely resentful of all around. Your bodies protection mode will begin going into overdrive and your relationships with others will start to falter. This is your minds way of not allowing anyone else to hurt you. I find myself becoming angry and mad at times I don’t understand until I take a break. I can’t process situations normally and I end up lashing out or holding all in. My mind goes into flight mode. Now that I have the security blanket I had been dreaming of, I find that I am not allowing myself to feel love at times. The resentment creeps in. I don’t want to feel this fear but I do.

The tough question now that I am trying to figure out is, how can I raise my kids the right way? My son. How can I ensure 1000% that he will never become a man who doesn’t know how to treat human beings. It is beyond gender. I want him to respect life. My daughter. I want to hold her ever so tightly and not let go but I know that is not possible. I have to prepare her with the tools necessary as I do not feel confident times will be different for her. I want to ensure she knows, I will never make her feel ashamed of anything. I can’t stop her from being hurt but I will protect that heart and mind. As I write this out, I have taken breaks to place my hand on my belly. Feel the warmth of my baby growing within. Feel the reminder of the beauty to life. I believe my painful past will ensure I can protect her. I will never allow myself to shy away from what happened and for that I believe I can save her from this kind of pain.

The scars I carry with me would not have been as significant if I had the source of comfort to curl into. My comfort was music. As powerful of a tool music can be, it was not enough. What I needed was someone to hold me and say the words, “I believe you”. It is kind of disturbing to think of simple words having such lasting effects on someone but until you have been in a situation yourself, you won’t understand how precious those words truly are. As I mentioned above, I believe that once people start becoming more aware of what is going on and believing it… will there ever be real change. I say this to men and women, stop ignoring what is happening right in front of you. Don’t walk away. Open yourself up and be aware. You don’t know who you may have protected by standing up. The cycle needs to end where these actions are accepted. Women need not be afraid of the dark and have the security of their community.