Me.

Do you ever feel as if you can’t speak or have lost the words when you are about to bring them to life? I feel this constantly. I find myself being locked in this unusual state of mental isolation as I would like to describe it. I want to ask for help yet I feel by asking, I am giving up and by not asking, I am losing my myself. This battles feels as if I am pulling myself down underwater. Hard to be the only one that feels like this and of course, for me now to bring these words out, makes me feel more vulnerable than ever. When I begin to sit back and reevaluate what it is I want to say and how I would like to say it, I start to feel this anxiety overwhelm my body. The fear of the unknown, the reaction, the conscience that I will face once my words hit those ears… I begin to take the path (in my head) of least resistance which results in keeping it inside. If someone told me this is how these feel, I would immediately tell them to start letting it all out whatever it is and being to allow yourself to feel. Which coincidentally were the words told to me once and I respectfully accepted the challenge. That lasted a few days and I went back into the comfort zone. The strange part is, I actually did feel good getting it out the first day but it then began to feel more routine than natural so I fall back to… me.

I have lived this way for as long as I remember and if I could ask for anything to change it would most certainly be this aspect of my self. How do I get better and not risk potentially damaging my marriage or passing this on to my kids. The fear is real for me to not want this to be normal for them SO how do I evolve for my family? I evolve by knowing I have the power within me to find the tools to speak. I keep reminding myself and those around that we can’t fear what we have no control over. I can’t fear the words that may come back to me. I can’t be scared of what I have no control of. These words I need to continue to repeat in my head and hopefully in time that easy place I would go to would become far in the rearview. I think what makes us stronger is accepting who we are and we knowing CAN evolve. This is me.

Some of the most important days of my life, I was always concerned of everyone else. Concerned of their thoughts, feelings and pains. I never fully allow myself to feel the moment. My wedding for example, I wanted to ensure it was all about us that day and to not have anyone worry about outside stresses like cleaning or costs yet in the end I added more headache. I still have thoughts where I wish things were a certain way and why did I fear that? You certainly can’t go back in time to have a do-over so I need to accept it. It was one of the best days still of my life and in the end I wouldn’t change anything. I just worry to much on things I have no control over. No one else lays these on me so I struggle fighting through the jungle of these memories and thoughts. I have no one else to blame but myself.

There are many others out there who struggle much worse and have no support around. I am very fortunate to have a foundation of support, even if I don’t lean on them, I know they are there. I would love to be able to reach people who need help and be that someone for them. It can be so hard when you feel so alone. This world has become so dark so those who felt alone before the pandemic, feel like they have been pushed in a jar and placed on the shelf. It is so sad. Breaks my heart now when I will hear others comment how they would rather be alone than with anyone… We were not brought on this earth to be alone. That energy being used to stay closed away is going to force people into a place I fear they will never come out of. What will become of society. My fears are so beyond right now that I struggle focusing on what I need to do. I want to better the world.

I will start now. If I can’t release the reigns I allow others to hold, I will use this power to guide those around me to a better place. Use my words and love to help. Try to no longer fear words but use words to my advantage whenever I can. I will bring the light.