Survival Mode

It has been a bit since my last posts were created and have had a tough time finding the motivation again until now. Last night while I had a good but rocky sleep I had the same message every time I would close my eyes which I have to admit has never happened before. I usually would close my eyes to a new world of dreams but last night it was a push to get a message out. It is almost like the need that I want to get these words out of my head.

My message…

The world since Covid struck has slowly but surely become poisoned and most have lost the sense of humanity that kept the grass greener. It is almost like people have turned into their worst selves being in isolation when a small percentage have used this to their advantage to grow. We need to bring a part of ourselves back where we feel the compassion, feel joy from others while embracing this new world we are in. It is very hard to go on social media these days and not be personally affected by a comment said by a complete stranger because there is so much negativity out there. People do not have a filter anymore to sort through this anger, frustration and annoyance they feel. We are ALL going through this yet most have let this darkness (in a sense) take control. I want to remind people of the good and for them to take that time to spread the good. A small positive comment to a stranger or a call/text to a friend will go miles right now and WE need these small actions to remind us all of the good…

Personally, I have been affected by covid in many aspects of my life and I have come to realize that life is too short… I can’t live in fear or remember the pain it has caused without it taking away more of MY time. So I had to go into a survival mode per say where I needed to change the goggles I look through and appreciate the blessings I have. It was hard. I think when it really set in was the loss of my grandma who was not a survivor of covid. She was my angel, the glue and my heart. The pain of losing her was so severe I don’t think I could express accurately. We lost time with her to keep her safe yet I feel partial regret that we should have bended and been selfish knowing how fast time goes. It was hard receiving the news that she had caught covid but as I know my grandma, she is a fighter and strong so I didn’t fear death, yet. I wanted to strongly lay my chips on the recovery rate so I didn’t let the death thought cross my mind as I knew your recovery is much greater unless you end up in the hospital. SO… When a week or so goes by and her body had become weaker, she was then rushed to the hospital and it was the moment I feared was approaching. I had to keep optimistic though for mine and my families sanity that even though she was there, it wasn’t the end. Better to be there than at home without this medical support. Since a few catastrophic events in my life had happened before this, my soul goes into a mode where I will not accept or think of the worst case scenario and I appreciate it as a way of protection. As some may think I am not being sensitive or realistic, I know what it means to survive. As days went on and feeling pretty hopeful as we were receiving updates constantly, I wanted to make a special delivery to her. I knew I couldn’t go see her or hug her or hold her hand but I knew if I could package a little gift that I could put a smile on her face. So I ventured to the store and picked out her favorite candies and chocolates with a picture note to be posted in her room for a pick me up. Since I missed the opportunity to tell her I was expecting my second child, I made sure to add a little detail on my note of this news. The next day I was so honored to have had a call from her. The last time I heard her voice. The last time I could say I love you so very much. The next evening was her last. I am grateful every day since, that I received that call and could hear that voice again. Days to follow, my heart just hurt so bad. I would sit outside and just zone out with moments of zero thought to races of memories and regret. Regret for time. We were robbed this time from her. I have memories of my son with her but not enough that we would have had. Family dinners, holidays together and birthdays, taken away. I really struggled with this. As I went through all these phases, I started to realize I need to shift my mind to help my life and not miss out on more. What probably kick started me was replaying my son, 18 months old, wiping the tears from my face and knowing I needed to be strong for him and this baby inside. It was OKAY for me to not be okay but I needed to start healing. First emotion I needed to address was anger. It had no place in my heart anymore and I needed to start reminding those around me that we can’t be anger at what we have no control over. It is eating the energy we need to use as gas to enjoy our LIFE. Once I was able to work through that, next was happiness. This was an emotion I needed and wanted to tackle immediately and use all my strength. I didn’t want this situation to ruin or destroy my life. Covid was not going to win. Like I mentioned above, social media is again a curse but this time no blessings as it has become so toxic with everyone’s opinions and horrid comments to others. For me to find happiness and also knowing well I wouldn’t stay away from these outlets, I put on a warrior hat and relayed information back. Not to fight or get into arguments but place reminders out there of truths and also leave comments to make people feel good! Which by leaving these happy comments to others, brought a sense of happiness to me. It was in my control to be able to bring light to others. Battling these feelings and figuring out what is important and not when in this survivor mode, you really need to step back. This isn’t normal times. We need to remind ourselves of the blessings that have been created from this darkness. Parents are home with their kids WAY more than they would have been… People have taken up new hobbies because they have the time now… You are not spending hours commuting rather being able to enjoy that cup of coffee. I found when I was able to count these blessing and find new ones, I became to understand and also accept that we can’t control what we don’t have control of.

We will get through this and being in “Survivor Mode” will just be a polished version of ourselves that we can appreciate.